Nathan The start of our Second Chance

If I were to end a good dream... I cant do it without revisiting how it started. This story was made long before the others were published.

From the Chronicles of Antoinette

November 2012
Two months ng tigang si Nathan
"Bakit mo pa kasi hiniwalayan. Hayan tuloy zero ka!" I was telling Nathan on the phone.
"Makikipagbalikan ako sa kanya just for sex?!!"

"Ewan ko sayo. Malaki ka na."
"Punta ka na lang dito."

"At ano?"
"I don't know. Basta hintayin kita mamaya."

Hayysst si Nathan talaga. At 6:45 pm I found myself knocking at his door. Lumiwanag ang mukha ni Nathan ng makita ako. Tinabihan ko agad sya sa bed, alam ko kasi na wala mangyayari kasi di pa lifted yong platonic friendship namin. Niyakap nya ako ng mahigpit at ibinaon nya yong mukha nya sa buhok ko then sa leeg ko.

"Stop smelling me. Nahihiya ako, amoy daan ako"
"Ang bango bango mo kaya."

To be with Nathan is the most relaxing thing. We calm each others storms. We are just content lying in bed staring at the wall.

"Nathan yong phone mo tumutunog."
"Ay teka lang tingnan ko."

"Nathan, okay ka lang? Sino ba yan textmate mo?"
"Si ex. She is on her way to see me." Tinapon na ni Nathan yong phone at yumakap ulit sa akin.

"Pinapunta mo ako dito tapos dadating din sya, ano yon?" Napatayo ako sa bed.
"Sabi ko wag na sya pumunta."

"Sana sinabi mo kagad para dumiretso na lang ako umuwi. Gusto mo makita nya tayo dito sa kwarto mo? Masasaktan yon."
"Sorry. Gusto ko ikaw kasama ko."

"Nathan, wag mo akong gamitin para masaktan sya. Uwi na ako at wag ka ng tumayo I can find my way."

Nakatulog ako ng mahimbing katabi si Ron.

Kinabukasan, umaga pa lang tumawag na si Nathan. Ni lock ko yong room ko sa office at sinagot tawag nya.
Me: O bakit?
Nathan: Hi! Good morning.

Me: Bakit ganyan boses mo? Ano balita?

Nathan: Sorry hah. Gusto lang naman kita kasama last night. But she insisted to come. She offered sex. I took it. She begged na magbalikan kami. But I told her it is over.

Me: Hala, I don't know what to say Nathan. Hindi ako expert sa relationships. Pero ang sama hah! One last fuck bago tuluyang nakipaghiwalay. Sge catch up with you later na lang. Busy ako eh.

After two weeks, I told Nathan I need to pickup something in Malate. Pwede ko naman ipadeliver sa akin yong item…. But I choose to pick it up so I can spend time with him.
Tamang tama sa may UST sya nagstay for the holidays. From work in Ortigas nagtaxi na lang ako papunta doon. Sinundo nya ako sa may hypermarket.

"Ey bakit parang ang tahimik dito. Tayo lang ang tao dito?" kung hindi si Nathan yong kasama ko malamang panic mode na ako. Takot ako sa mga old and dark places.

"Umuwi sa province yong nakatira dito kaya dito na lang muna ako. Kumain ka na ba? May niluto ako."

Nathan seemed so near and yet so far. Nakakatense din pag kayong dalawa lang ng guy sa isang malaking bahay.

"Hmm mukhang masarap… Nagluto ka pa pala ng pasta!?" I like carbonarra, spaghetti, soba noodles, basta anything pasta.

"Kain muna tayo bago natin puntahan yong place." Sabay abot ng bowl & fork sa kamay ko.

"S-sge.. Thanks Nathan". I gave him a reserved smile ganun kasi ako pag medyo reserved yong guy…opps uminit bigla yong mukha ko hindi alam ni Nathan na dildo yon e-pi-pick up namin.

"Nathan, sure ka di ako istorbo? Pasensya na hah sa abala." Ayoko maging istorbo maski kanino.

"Hindi, okay lang. Wala din naman akong gagawin." Ang bait talaga ni Nathan.

"Sge Nathan, magkwento ka lang. I'm here to listen. Bakit pala naiisipan mong makipaghiwalay sa kanya?"

"Masyado na syang dependent sa akin." Then he explained some more… hindi ko actually ma gets yong reason ni Nathan and I don't want to implore too much. Looks like naging needy yong girl. Whatever that means.

Tahimik lang ako nakinig sa kwento nya. After an hour of listening to him, I was lost. His lips are still full. His teeth are still white and looks good. Nauhaw ako bigla. I was so tensed and my insomnia last night doesn't help.

"Ui! Okay ka lang?" concerned na tanong ni Nathan.
"Nathan, so sobrang excited ko na magkita tayo today, hindi ako nakatulog." I smiled at him.

"Merong room sa taas if you want to sleep."
"Ayoko. Takot ako sa haunted house."

"Ngek! Hehe. Kung sabagay di tayo pwede magtagal dito. Baka matukso tayo. Kanina pa kita gustong halikan eh."

"Hala!!??? Sabi mo di tayo pwede maghalikan." Hindi naman lifted yong platonic friendship namin. Nathan has no reason to kiss me.

"Dare??" Tanong ni Nathan, and there is that naughty twinkle in his eyes.

"S-sge I dare you to kiss me." Itinaas ko yong mukha ko. I am one haughty female.

Nilapit ni Nathan yong mukha nya sa mukha ko. Sa sobrang lapit napapikit na ako. Naramdaman ko na lang yong pagdampi ng labi ni Nathan sa labi ko. Shit! Kilala pa rin ng labi ko ang labi ni Nathan. Hanggang sa nakalimutan ko na kung bakit ako nagpunta doon. Or baka naman ito talaga ang ipinunta ko?

Lumalim na yong halikan. Ramdam ng puso ko yong halik ni Nathan.

"Antoinette, we need to get out of here in 15 mins or else baka anong gawin ko sayo…" Inangat na nya yong mukha nya. Ayokong matapos yong halikan namin.

"Sge 15 mins pa naman ... kiss me more, Nathan." I reached for his lips again. Hindi naman ako binigo ni Nathan. We kissed again. Few seconds before 15 minutes, I lifted my head and said "Tara lets go na."

"Ang daya mo naman!"

"Bakit? I didn't came here for sex. Let go."

Nathan just smiled.

Sumakay kami ng taxi at binaybay ang daan ng old Manila. Pagkatapos namin bumaba itinuro kami kung saan-saan hanggang sa tuluyan na kaming nawala.

"Legal ba na company yong pinag orderan mo?" Takang tanong ni Nathan.
"I don't know. I only found it in the net. Shocks! Sayang yong 2400 pag nagkataon. Huhu."

Magkahawak yong kamay namin habang iniisip kung paano makalabas sa mga maliliit na kalye doon. Buti na lang may dumaan na tricycle, the driver was kind enough to help us.

We kissed again while we're inside the tricycle.

"Hinahanap hanap ko rin yong mga halik mo, A"
"Me too. I like kissing you."

"Nathan, can I ask you something?"
"Ano yon?"

I just have to ask him this. Afterall baka hindi na maulit na magkasama kami.

"For the days in those years, did you think of me too? Curious lang naman ako. Baka kasi noong times na naisip kita, naisip mo rin ako. Alam mo yon."

"Naintindihan kita. Oo. Lagi naman kitang naiisip. Naiisip ko kung ano na nangyayari sayo."

"I see. Thanks Nathan"

Gusto ko sabihin kay Nathan na nag go-glow sya. He is just so easy to read. But hmmm maybe I glowed a little too.

Nakarating din kami sa address. There is a small note that the store is closed for the holidays but they have other outlet in QC. O hah! Parang puzzle yong pagpick up ko sa Dildo.

"Ay, hindi successful yong lakad natin today." sabi ni Nathan, he is just a typical guy. The solution is important. Hindi nya alam may hidden agenda ako.

"Okay lang. I will get it next time. Kailangan ko na pala bumalik Ron is waiting for me."

"Okay. Ano ba yong kukunin natin dapat?"
"Secret"

"Sge na wag ka na magsecret. Bibilhan na lang kita nun, sa isang desenting place." (alam kasi ni Nathan na kuripot ako. Inisip nya nagtitipid ako kaya ganun na lang ang efforts namin sa pagpunta sa place na yon)

"Don't buy binayaran ko na yon. I ordered some dildo."

"Seriously??!!! Kaya pala hindi si Ron pinasama mo. Sge umuwi ka na. Late na o."
"Yup. Thanks Nathan. Merry christmas."

On January 2013, we meet again to finally get that package. Nagkita kami sa may Shangrila. Ibang outlet na lang ang pupuntahan namin. Pagdating ko, ngumiti lang sya politely. I was with a reserved guy again. I have to remind myself that he is not the same person I used to love.

"Para sayo pala to." Meron syang inabot na book, we both love to read books.
"Thanks hah. Wala ako Christmas gift for you. Sorry." sabi ko.

"Okay lang yon. Tara puntahan na natin yong package mo. May work pa ako ng 9pm."
"Ganun ba? Wag na lang natin kunin. Pasyal na lang tayo dito." ( the package was just an alibi, almost 1 year na yon di ko kinukuha)

"E paano na yong package mo?"
"Pwede naman padeliver yon eh."

"No, kunin na natin nandito na rin lang tayo."
"Sige ikaw bahala. Ano fastest way to get there?"

"MRT"
"Okay"

Hindi kami sumasakay ni Ron ng MRT. Pinag aawayan namin lagi yong dibdib ko. Hindi mahilig sa PDA si Ron.

Sobrang sikip ng MRT. Nathan embraced me and held me tight. He also planted kisses on my forehead.

"Nagkita pala kami ni ex, last Christmas." (so that explained why he seemed distant and reserved)

"Hmm. Musta, nagkabalikan kayo?"
"Hindi."

"Naghalikan?"
"Hindi rin."

"Nagsex lang." volunteer ni Nathan.
"Ano?!!!"

"Jowk!" (Sabay ngiti na pa cute)
"Talaga? Tapos nakayakap ka sa akin ngayon. Lumayo layo ka nga!!"

"Joke lang. Selos naman to. Wala kami ginawa nag usap lang kami. Then she asked that I hug her. So I hugged her."

Syempre babae lang ako. Nagseselos ako. Pero pag nagselos ako nagiging reserved and distant.
Mabilis lang ang transaction ng dildo. I showed my proof of payment, the guy gave me the package.

"Sge Nathan. Salamat. Magtaxi na ako pauwi. Mukhang di naman traffic sa edsa." then iniwan ko na sya sa QC. Ang sama ko. Pero di nasira sa selos yong friendship namin.

Everyday nang nagpaparamdam Nathan at nilalandi na nya ako.

"Halika sa bahay samahan mo ako." paglalambing ni Nathan. Siguro horny to.
"Ano gagawin ko dyan?"

"Ikaw kung ano balak mong gawin."
"Really! Pero busy ako now. Bukas na lang. I'll come over."

"Sige. What time?"
"5am"

"Huh? That early?"
"Oo. Gusto ko katabi kita pagsikat ng araw."

I went to his place at 5:30am the next day. Nakatowel lang sya. Wala pala syang saplot pag natutulog...then he wore brief sa harap ko mismo. Napatingin ako sa kanya. Sinadya nya talaga.

It was just wholesome embrace...chaste kisses... then kwentohan.

Kinuwento ko kay Nathan yon usapan namin ng taxi driver that night.

Me: Kuya, if yong girl pupunta sa place ng guy… ano iisipin ng guy? That the girl wants sex?
Taxi Driver: Hindi naman sa lahat ng pagkakataon.
Me: Mabuti naman kung ganun. Salamat kuya.

"Eh yong girl… ano iisipin ng girl?" tanong ni Nathan.
"Hindi naman tinanong ng taxi driver yan eh."

"I want to know." seryosong sabi ni Nathan."Sometimes, the girl just really wants to spend some time with the guy."

"Di nga!" paniniguro nya.

Nagkukwento lang ako na nakahiga sa arms nya. He just listened. Sometimes nagcomment din sya. Sinabi ko sa kanya yong mga bagong dreams ko. Yong plans ko mag aral. My dreams of becoming a global professional and my dream of opening some business.

"I missed this, A. Yong sharing of dreams natin."
"Bakit what have you been doing for the past two years?"

"I pursued my dreams too. At the same time, I worked on what would have been my future family. Then I realized, nakakasawa pala pag puro sex lang yong relationship ninyo. Ayy mali! Natamaan ka rin no?"

"Grabe naisip mo yan! Hindi ka pa kinasal sa lagay na yan hah. Ako rin eh wala ako kausap sa mga dreams ko noong nawala ka."

2 hours na pala kaming nagkwentohan. It is already 7:30.

"Hoy Nathan! Ano yang ginagawa mo? Kala ko ba hindi sexually aroused yong guy pag morning nabasa ko yan eh."

"Sino nagsabi nyan?"

He raised my shirt, itinaas nya rin yong bra ko, and exposed my breasts while I lay speechless. He licked my nipples. Di ko na rin mapigilan sarili ko. I held and touched his now aroused dick. Ang laki nya! Ganito ba to dati? Parang mas mahaba at mas mataba na ngayon. Demn!

"Please touch me Nathan" (I guided his hand inside my wetness.)
"Ang hot mo pa rin." (he said while he kissed my lips this time)

Naghump kami ni Nathan. Me with my clothes on. Sya naman hubot hubad.
"Hmmm.. Nathan, ang sarap… ang sarap sarap. Fuck mo akoooo Nathan."

Si Nathan naman parang binuhusan ng malamig na tubig.
"What are we doing. Hindi! Umuwi ka na."

Binalik nya sa ayos yong mga damit ko.

"Ayaw mo?"
"No. Umuwi ka na. Please habang kaya ko pa pigilan ang sarili ko."

Nagmamadali akong nilisan yong place nya. I went to my Aunt's condo and showered. Then dumiretso na rin ako sa Salcedo weekend market para aliwin yong sarili ko. Parang nahihiya ako sa nangyari.

The next day, inaway ko sya sa YM.
"Paano mo nagawa sa akin yon. Ano yon? Napahiya ako sa sarili ko. Di mo ba ako gusto?"
"Gusto pero pinipigilan ko."

"Bakit?"
"Basta"

"I felt rejected Nathan"

On February 2013, nagkasundo kami ni Nathan na mag-aral na lang para iwas tukso. We would be together but in a more wholesome way. Our class was every Sunday (whole day). Dinadaanan ko sya every Sunday at sabay na kami pumapasok sa school. Sabay kami maglunch. Sabay din kami during break time.

On the third Sunday, iniwan ko sya. Kasi di sya sumasagot sa tawag. Ayoko naman ma late sa school kasi sayang yong bayad. During break time, kakarating lang ni Nathan.

"Nathan, bakit ka late? Ano nangyari sayo. Hmmm amoy alak ka pa."
"Sorry. Napainom ako kagabi."

"Don't say sorry to me. Nalasing ka?"
"Nope."

"Then what happened."
"I rented."

Tumingin sya ng dahan-dahan sa mukha ko. En-expect nya na mandiri ako. He did not see any.

"Ohh Nathan", I looked at him with all need and compassion.
"I can't do that to you...", He just smiled with some longing.

I responded by smiling brightly.

"Hey! Lets not be sad. Treat kita mamaya sa Roddicks."

Maski parang hindi groomed yong peyups, as compared to Nathan's Ateneo, proud akong ipasyal sya dito.

He brightened na rin. He showered in school at paguwi namin fresh na sya at ang gwapo na naman.

Ibinaba ko sya sa may guadalupe at pinadiretso ko na yong taxi sa Glorietta. Pagkababa ni Nathan. Nagsalita yong taxi driver.

"Halatang malaki yong gusto ng lalaki sayo. Boyfriend mo ba yon?"
"Huh? Nagsasalita pala kayo kuya."

"Bagay kayong dalawa eh. Parehong maamo yong mukha nyo."

The next week it was my turn to fall. Saturday may overtime work ako and I was so horny. I texted Nathan, since he was supposed to see me after work that day.

Me: Nathan, Im so horny. Wag na lang kaya tayo magkita. Wala akong control today.

If one is weak…. The other must be strong to support the other. Yan yong drama naming dalawa.

But he replied
Nathan: Kaya yan. See you at 6.

Nathan: Malapit na ako sa mall. Saan tayo magkikita?
Me: Nagutom na ako. Gusto ko sa army navy.

Nathan: Ok.

Since malapit lang ako sa Megamall, I ordered food for us. 15 minutes later dumating si Nathan, may dala syang mochi for us.

"Nathan, I need to go back to the office, di ako nakapagwrap up. San ka na after this?"
"Meron din ako pupuntahan sa next building."

"Then?"
"Gusto mo hintayin kita?"

"Okay lang ba?"
"Ikaw, kung gusto mo."

"Gusto ko sabay na tayo umuwi." (What are neighbors for)

Pagbalik ko sa office, kinuha ko lang gamit ko at tinawagan yong senior ko na uuwi na ako.

Me: Tara lets go na. (I texted him)
Nathan: Bilis ahh, okay 10 minutes.

Habang nasa taxi ngumiti lang ako kay Nathan. He lowered his head and kissed me. Habang lumalalim yong halikan naman, yong kamay nya is deliciously rubbing me in between my legs… kahit may pantalon ako, ramdam na ramdam ko yong kamay nya. Ahh kuryente.

Sobrang sarap talaga. I sucked his tongue. I pressed his hand between my legs. Horny talaga ako that time. Di ko na napapansin yong driver. Bumaba kami sa may place nya, tahimik kaming naglakad. Then when we reached his room, nilock nya yong pinto at hinalikan ulit ako.

Tinulungan nya akong hubarin yong shirt at pants ko. Tinanggal nya rin yong bra at panty ko. Hubot hubad na kami pareho.

Ayoko magsalita baka matulad noong last time na pinauwi nya ako at walang nangyari. Nagsuot sya ng condom, and I helped him get inside me. Sobrang dulas kasi wet na ako the whole time we were together.

Noong nakapasok na yong dick nya sa akin, I think I heard him say sorry. Umungol lang ako, at di ko napansin yon, at nagsimula na Nathan bumayo. Then, he stopped. Lumayo sya. Walang nilabasan. Pinauwi nya ako.

When I realized what happened, I silently put my clothes back on. I reached for his check and kissed him goodbye.

I think I heard him whisper 'I love you' pero hindi na ako lumingon pa.

I wasn't okay when I left and I thought Nathan was okay. But he wasn't. He stopped attending class. He told me to go away. Maybe tama nga yong ganun. Lumayo din ako. I just stopped pestering him and vowed not to disturb him anymore. Ang problem di ko kinaya ang nangyari. Na depressed ako. I left work. I left Ron. I withdrew from the world for a week.

I went to my Aunt's condo in Makati (tight yong security doon, not even Ron can go to the unit without my permission).

I have to find that tough woman, who always helped me stand up when I am sad.

Hindi naman ako nasasaktan talaga eh. Hindi ko alam bakit kapag si Nathan, kaya kong patigilin ang mundo ko para sa kanya.

Lumipas ang three months na tahimik ang buhay ko. Kung may napansin man si Ron, he never mentioned anything.

Then by the end of May2013, Nathan left some offline message sa YM ko. Pero di ko ito pinansin. Nag padala din sya ng email, asking how I was… and that he is sorry for what happened. Still di ko rin pinansin. Days after, tumawag na sya. I just stared at my phone and there were many missed calls from him. Iniisip ko kung sasagutin or hindi… ano ba tong lalaking to.

Part of me na e-excite kung ano sasabihin nya. A little part naho-horny. Pero mas naalala ko ginawa nya. I cancelled his call. Then texted him "Hindi pa ako handa na kausapin ka."

Days after di ko pa rin sinasagot yong mga tawag nya. One time good mood ako at he texted "Please.". Sinagot ko na.

"O bakit, Nathan?"
"Na miss ko boses mo."

"Ahh… so okay na? Bye"
"Sandali."

"Bakit?"
"Kamusta ka na?"

"Okay lang. Natapos ko yong class."
"Tinapos mo?"

"Oo. I don't start something that I don't finish."
"I'm sorry."
"Its okay. You don't have to say sorry. If you don't want to do it, then don't start. Don't play with fire. It is either gusto mo or di mo gusto. Walang 'in between' kasi nakakalito." (ganito ako magsalita, direct and fluent)

"Gusto ko. Kaya lang di ko pa ako ready that time." (oo nga naman I forgot he was nursing a broken heart. At least he dealt with it in his own way. I like a strong man.)
"Ang you think you are ready now? What is it that you want?" may pagtatampo pa rin yong boses ko.

"I want you. I want to have sex with you. Can we start again?"
"I can't nasa Cebu ako now. Pagbalik ko na lang on Monday." (Aba pinaasa ko pa. Sira na kasi utak ko)

Pag balik ko from Cebu, I only had a quick shower and I went to his place right away. Nakapang office attire ako while knocking at his door. Pinapasok nya ako sa room nya.

Matagal nag usap yong mga mata namin .... I rushed to his waiting arms and kissed him.

"Kamusta ang Cebu" tanong niya habang nakayakap sa akin. (Matapos kong pinagsawaan ang katawan nya)
"Mall, hotel, Magellan's cross… wala masyado time eh. Ikaw?"

"Night shift ako. Matutulog pa lang ako. Thanks hah for being here."
"Di ka pa pala natulog? Bakit di mo sinabi."

"Kasi darating ka."
"Paano mo alam?"

"Alam ko lang."