LUST or LOVE???

Below is my letter to the father of my son, the man who made me feel the woman inside me. The man I cannot be with till... I don;t know

Lust or love?

It all started with your admission to me when you were tempted to have one intimate moment with a friend of yours. I was in total disbelief that you can do such thing to your wife and at the same time, who am I for you to confess to? Your admission made me lust for the opposite sex, though in my heart, I know that I am a lesbian. The burden of feeling pity for your wife and the feeling of how was it like to be fucked by you was too much for me to carry. And when I had the chance, I fucked a colleague, became FUBU but then I fell. I fell in love with him though we cannot seem to work out as a couple. His past haunted him.

Then I had the chance to confess to you what I did. We got drank, and shared a whole night together in my bed. That was the first night… That was the start of this roller coaster emotion. I ended up as your mistress, the youngest mistress you ever had, the “best” in bed as you would always say, and most probably the last mistress you’ll have.

We have been secret lovers… but my emotions are too strong that it radiates in our workplace. We became a hot issue… But nevertheless, we continued sharing stolen nights together. We fucked and we fucked like it was always our last day to live. The sensation of being fucked by you brought me to cloud nine. You are the best fucking partner I ever had. And because of this, I would always lose count of my safe and unsafe days.

Until one night, as we share our night once again, you came inside me, and I received all your cream inside. No second thoughts, no hesitations, no fear. Only to find out that after one month, I have already missed a month of period. We tried to hide it as we find solutions to our problem. After six months of hiding, the news broke out. Yes, I am pregnant. I am afraid – very afraid. I am not ready to face parenthood alone. Can I make it on my own?

After giving birth to our son, I tried to stand up and be the father and mother that I must be to our lovechild. After our last contact, it was June 2010… after that, you almost slipped out of my mind and my heart… I tried avoiding you, but how? My brain says that you have all the rights to know about our child. We seldom talk, I tried avoiding you. For almost four years, our communication is rarer than the blue moon.

Then you contacted me. This time, fearing for your dear life as you travel on sea for a meeting on the mainland. Wondering who sent the message, I responded and realized that it was you. We exchanged messages once again, and now, bringing back to life my ever lustful body to long for you. After setting schedules and exchanging lustful text message, we finally met.

Oh, that day, I cannot forget, I travelled four hours just to be fucked by you. And boy, am I that excited. Though we had to go on for the day, I really wanted to have you once more before I go back to our child. I remember telling you that all I want is your dick to fulfil my lustful needs but deeper than that, I longed to be loved by you and be your wife. But life forbids.

Until this love month, I have been feeling empty… that there is this void in my heart. Yes, I need you – yes, I love you… Then we agreed to meet once again… The thought of you beside (on top of me?) gives me this exciting feeling of us being reunited once more. But it did not worked out for us on valentines day. We have to reset and reschedule and change of plans. Finally meeting you last night gave me the strangest and most nerve-wrecking feeling. I was anxious of being caught dating you once again. I was afraid that my best friend will find out (when we both know, she hates you so much), I was afraid that my “respected” profession would be put in big jeopardy.

Being with you in that small room in a private resort, made me secure, made me felt that at least for that very moment, we will be one and that you are mine. It was not the fucking that made me agree to see once more… It was not the lust rushing in my body.. It was the pillow talk, the friend whom I know I can share my innermost thoughts. I longed for you to be inside me… I longed for you to take me once more and fill me… But can’t let you come inside me as much as I want to. I cannot make the same mistake again… I know, I am fertile… I know that any wrong move will make me fall into the dirt I have stumbled upon before. I want you inside me but your skills never failed me. You never fail to satisfy me even if we cannot meet inside. Yes, I am filled with so much satisfaction with what we shared last night. But after last night… after we made love once again, I was left behind. I am left behind, again, wanting you, longing for you and what makes it difficult is the uncertainty of when we will be one once again.

Now, if I may say, I know, yes, with certainty, and with full conviction, I am still madly in love with you.